5 Tips for Your Best Holiday Custody Schedule
By Elizabeth Billies
Did you know that more than 1/3 of marriages in the US involve inter-faith couples? And, as you can guess, inter-faith marriages can result in inter-faith divorces. In fact, it’s believed that interfaith couples are more likely to divorce than those who share the same faith. This can add additional things to consider when preparing a child custody agreement, particularly a holiday custody schedule.
Do you and your former spouse observe different religions? Is one of you religious and the other not? Have you had any child custody issues resulting from these differences?
While religion-related custody issues may occur in other areas of everyday life, I think it is most prevalent during the holidays. So, here are five tips to prepare a holiday custody schedule to help eliminate these issues.
1. Consider long-standing family holiday traditions when creating your holiday custody schedule.
Frankly, I don’t think parties consider family traditions enough when preparing custody arrangements for holidays. It’s almost as if the separation has caused amnesia, and Mom can’t remember that the children have spent every Diwali at Father’s aunt’s house. While it is important for the children to see both parents on major holidays, it is also important for those children to continue to experience family holiday traditions.
Remember, the children did not ask for this divorce, and they didn’t ask for their whole world to change. Why should they suffer because their parents don’t want to be together anymore? Instead, wouldn’t it be better to keep some parts of their lives as consistent as possible, especially when so many parts are transitioning?
Therefore, I suggest that any custody agreement takes these traditions into account. For example, maybe Dad can have the children on the first night of Hanukkah when he celebrates with extended family, and Mom can have the children on Christmas morning every year. Your holiday custody schedule is only reflective of your traditions if you make it so. And doing so is a win-win. For you and your kids. And who doesn’t like winning?
2. Understand each parent’s level of observance of certain holidays and address it in your holiday custody schedule.
When preparing a holiday custody schedule, you need to consider each parent’s level or observance of certain holidays. Certain religious services have different meanings depending on your type of faith.
Do you need clarification as to what holidays, or days of holidays, matter more to your co-parent than others? Ask them! Having a basic understanding of the other person’s religious observances will help you create a holiday custody schedule that you both will be happy with. Also, showing respect for the other party’s religion will go a long way to help your co-parenting relationship.
3. Remember to be flexible with your holiday custody schedule when holidays overlap.
Your holiday custody schedule may need some tweaking during this time. This is particularly true for Christmas, Hanukkah, Easter, and Passover. What if the night your co-parent celebrates Hanukkah with family falls on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day? How will you deal with that?
Don’t worry; there is no right or wrong answer. However, your agreement should address this scenario. This situation may also apply to certain holidays some years and not others. Recognizing that this may happen and addressing it before it does is key.
Why? Because it is unlikely that a court will be able to address it for you in the moment. Remember, the court system is slow. So, unless you bring them an issue approximately two months in advance, they will unlikely be able to deal with it in time to avoid a holiday custody schedule disaster.
While you can try your best to address possible holiday overlap in your agreement, your custody agreement can not address all possible changes. It just can’t. Therefore, you and your co-parent must talk to one another and be flexible with your holiday custody schedule. Again, the slow court system. Plus, do you really want to spend money on legal fees during the holidays?
Regardless of which method of communication works for you, use it, and don’t use your children as messengers. It is not fair to your kid to be treated like the postal service. It only causes anxiety for them. Agree upon the best way to communicate directly with the other parent and use it when holiday custody schedule changes arise.
4. Allow children to experience both holidays in your holiday custody schedule.
If you decided to marry someone from a different religion, chances are you thought about how your religious differences would affect your children. This is particularly true if both parents are active in their faith.
Now that you are divorced, your recognition of the other parent’s religious traditions should not diminish. Remember, your children are a part of both of you. Therefore, both religions are a part of them, too.
So, how can you recognize this? Make every effort to allow your children to experience the major holidays of both faiths when preparing your holiday custody schedule. For example, let your children attend services at the other parent’s temple, mosque or church. Allow them to be in religious groups or participate in holiday activities available in both communities. Be supportive of their activities and curiosities of both religions.
Showing your religious tolerance is not just good for your co-parenting relationship. It is also good for raising your children to be loving and accepting of all faiths. And what better message to send to your children during the holidays than love and acceptance?
5. Put your kid’s wants and needs first when preparing your holiday custody schedule
Frankly, the holidays are about your kids. Not you. Make sure when you are making your holiday custody schedule or, more importantly, denying the holiday plans of the other parent that you keep this in mind. It is important that you get to spend time with your children during the holidays. However, try to arrange it so the children can participate in as many holiday activities as possible. Remember, saying no just to say no hurts your children the most. Don’t get blinded by your hatred for the other parent and hurt your children in the process. That is not a lasting holiday memory you want them to have.
The holidays should be a time of fun and love, not fighting and stress. While you can’t take away all the stress of this time of year, following my five tips for creating your best holiday custody schedule should alleviate some.
If you need assistance with a custody arrangement or navigating the holidays as a co-parent, contact me at 215.362.2474 or email me.