Social Media and Divorce: 6 Don’ts
By Elizabeth Billies
We share our lives on social media. Birthdays, vacations, pet photos, it’s all out there for the world to see. Trust me, I’m not complaining. You wouldn’t have found me and be reading this article if it wasn’t for the internet. But is it the same for social media and divorce?
If you are willing to share your latest sunset photo or what you ate for breakfast this morning, it makes sense that you also want to share your thoughts on your divorce/breakup. Can you relate?
However, you really need to think about what you put out on social media during this process. Certain social media don’ts can have a direct affect on your divorce. The last thing that you want to do is have one picture or post ruin your case. I’ve seen it happen.
A real world example of how one social media don’t dictated the outcome of a case.
While I was a law clerk, the judge I worked for had a custody case involving at 16 year old girl who lived with her mother. Her father lived in Georgia and was petitioning the court to obtain primary custody of the child, alleging that she needed more discipline and was going down a bad path while living with her mom.
At the time, MySpace (remember that?) was all the rage. The daughter had posted several photos of herself drinking and engaging in other (ahem) risky behavior with a 19 year old boy on her MySpace Page (think a really archaic looking Facebook wall).
My judge was very concerned about this and thought that it proved exactly what the father was alleging. As a result, the judge ordered the daughter to move to Georgia that week. Those posts were the turning point in the case. I am not sure my judge would have made the same decision without them.
What should you do (or don’t do) on social media?
So yes, what you (and your ex partner) post on social media matters. But what if you are not sure how to use (or not use) social media during a divorce or separation? Don’t worry! I am here to help you get it right. In this article, I will talk about the following 6 don’ts for social media and divorce:
Don’t forget to change your passwords;
Don’t take selfies at the courthouse;
Don’t badmouth your former spouse;
Don’t allow yourself to be tagged in inappropriate posts or photos;
Don’t post anything you wouldn’t want to be used against you in court later; and
Don’t use your friends as social media spies.
Social Media and Divorce Tip #1: Don’t forget to change your passwords.
When you are married to someone, you often share everything (hopefully not underwear though). I’ve even had clients who have had family email addresses and Facebook pages. This also includes passwords to your phone, email and social media accounts.
Or, you simply have the passwords for these accounts saved on your computer so that you don’t even need to login every time you want to see what your crazy Aunt Jean posted on Facebook today. As a result, anyone that has access to your computer can simply open up your account and view your page. Sound familiar? I know I’m guilty as charged!
During my initial consultations, I always ask my clients if their spouse has access to their social media pages, email accounts and computers. Even if they say no, I tell them to change their passwords just in case.
Seriously, change it for everything! No exceptions.
Just because you don’t think that your ex has access to this info, doesn’t mean that they actually don’t. What if your spouse has been concerned about infidelity for months and therefore found a way to read your Facebook messages? I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t have told you they could access your account in that scenario.
Remember to change your cell phone passwords.
Another place where I see a lot of people get in trouble is failing to unlink text message accounts from their iPhones, Macs and iPads. I have had numerous clients tell me that their ex-spouse’s text messages still come up on the family (or worse) their children’s iPads because the spouse forgot to sever the connection. It is also a good idea to remove yourself from the family Apple ID account so that your former partner can’t use the Find My Friend function to track your movements.
In addition, if you can, I would also get your own cell phone plan. Sometimes this comes with penalties and clients are concerned about the cost, especially when they are going to be taking on the expense of a divorce. However, as long as you are on the same plan, your spouse may have the ability to track your movements and hack into your text messages.
Social Media and Divorce Tip #2: Don’t take selfies at the courthouse.
It’s story time again! A few years ago, I was in a courthouse hallway waiting for my case to be called. While sitting there with my client, I saw two sheriff’s deputies approach a woman who was also waiting for her family law matter to be heard.
I overheard them say to her, “Ma’am, did you just take a picture of yourself in the courthouse and post it on Facebook?” She admitted that she did and they asked her to take it down immediately. Apparently she had posted a selfie of her inside the building and tagged her location! Using that tag, the deputies were able to figure out who she was and where her case was in the facility.
So, don’t do that.
The last thing you want to do on an already stressful day, is to incur the wrath of the courthouse police because of a social media post. Wait until you are home before you head over to your account of choice to discuss your day.
Social Media and Divorce Tip #3: Don’t badmouth your former spouse on social media during or after your divorce.
This is a big one. As hard as it may be to avoid venting your frustrations about your ex’s unwillingness to pay alimony or his/her failure to pack your child’s overnight bag for their weekend custodial time, keep it off social media!! Please, I promise, it is for your own good.
The divorce process is emotional. I get it. However, a case is generally never going to be settled because you embarrassed your ex spouse with the details of your separation or if you berate them about their infidelity on Facebook. You can do your case a great disservice by blowing a chance to resolve your matter simply because you bashed your ex in an Instagram post.
And remember, settling your case and and being reasonable is the ultimate way to save on legal fees. Instead, vent to a friend over cheesecake and wine. In person. Those go together much better than social media and divorce. Pinky promise.
Social Media and Divorce Tip #4: Allowing yourself to be tagged in inappropriate posts or photos is a major don’t.
I have two examples of this. First, you are at a party where there is marijuana and alcohol. Your friend takes a bunch of photos and tags you in them and posts them on Facebook. Your ex (or a friend of your ex) see them. To make matters worse, the pictures are from an evening when you had custody of your children. Your ex decides to use them in your upcoming custody hearing to show you are an unfit parent.
Second, you have a close knit family and your sister is very upset about the fact that your ex won’t finalize your divorce. She goes on Facebook to rant about how her ex-in-law is a horrible person and calls them every name they can think of. Your ex becomes aware of this post (perhaps because your sister tags you in it) and now won’t even entertain settlement negotiations because they are so upset and want revenge. The furniture set you wanted from the guest bedroom that she didn’t want to give up? That’s the least of your problems now.
The first example could mean that you lose custodial time with your children. The second, while perhaps less impactful on the court proceedings in your matter, ultimately delays the resolution of your case. Both have an affect. Both should never have happened.
Luckily, there is an easy way to avoid both of these situations. How you ask?
Change your Facebook timeline settings so that anything that someone wants to post on your timeline is not posted until it is reviewed by you. If you don’t like it, you can simply deny the request. You can also change your settings so that you can not be tagged in posts on another person’s wall as well.
Social Media and Divorce Tip #5: Don’t post anything on social media that you wouldn’t want to be used against you in court later.
Most social media posts won’t be as extreme as those in Don’t #4 discussed above. Here, I am talking about those posts that are done in the heat of anger where you generally complain about your separation or criticize your spouse. Do you know the ones I’m talking about? The super passive aggressive ones where you don’t even say the person’s name? See also, thinly veiled motivational quotes.
You know what I’m talking about? I think so.
Imagine that social media post being read by a judge six months from now. What does that post say about you? What does it say (or not say) about your ex? If you would be ashamed to have that entry read allowed and transcribed by a court reporter, don’t post it. If you did, take it down.
Now.
I’m not saying you can’t be mad at your ex or, that you can’t express your frustrations with them or the divorce process. As I’ve said, I am a huge advocate for getting together with a friend and venting. In fact, I even suggest it as a way to save money on divorce legal fees! I’m just saying don’t do it on Instagram.
Social Media and Divorce Tip #6: Don’t use your friends as social media spies.
I often see this with my younger clients. While a couple may no longer connected on social media, they still have mutual friends. Do not ask these friends for information about what the other person is posting! It is really not fair to put them in a position to be a social media spy for you, particularly if they are truly friends with the other person.
More importantly, there is nothing good that will come from keeping track of your ex’s social media exploits. It will only prevent you from healing from your divorce. Rip off the band-aid! Unlink your accounts and ask your friends to keep anything they see to themselves.
Don’t forget these major takeaways about Social Media and Divorce
Everyone needs to be careful on social media, particularly those going through a divorce or separation. So remember these 6 don’ts of social media and divorce:
Don’t forget to change your passwords;
Don’t take selfies at the courthouse;
Don’t badmouth your former spouse;
Don’t allow yourself to be tagged in inappropriate posts or photos;
Don’t post anything you wouldn’t want to be used against you in court later; and
Don’t use your friends as social media spies.
Have a question about the don’ts for social media and divorce? Think I missed a tip? Please reach out to let me know. Or, have you just separated from your spouse and don’t know what to do next? I can help you determine where to start first. Call me at 215.362.2474 or send an email.